The good and the bad!!

So last Monday when I went to my chemo appointment I asked my doctor how long does she think I have to live... She said that if there is no complications like liver cancer, pneumonia, blood clots in my lungs, lung cancer or anything else she thinks I will live around 2 more years.. =( I am hopeful that I will live more then that but I hope to make as much time on this earth the best it can be!!! Sorry for the bad news!!

On a better note my nephew got married today!!! I got to see my first sealing!!! On Saturday another nephew will get married!!! I am so excited for them all!!

Keeps on going!

My depression keeps on going.. yesterday Kyana lectured me because I got some veggies, fruit and meat from the Bishops Storehouse.. she said we didn't need it so I shouldn't have gotten it. We didn't have fruit or veggies or meat so I have no idea why she even said that. Then she called me a brat because I told her not to lecture me and that we didn't have the items I requested. Then today she called me whiney because I told her what her chore was. I finally got mad at her after 10 minutes of her lecturing me and calling me names. I ended with telling her she lost her phone privileges and to either give me her phone or my charger and so she told me how mean I was and that she didn't want to live with me anymore cause I am always mean and never do anything nice. She said that Erik is not mean and my friend Julie is not mean so she would be happy to live with one of them instead of me.

I already told her during our fight last Friday that I would not force her to live with me or help me because I don't want people around me that don't want to be there or help in any way. So I will talk to Erik and Rebekah next week while they are here for Bryce's wedding. I guess she does not care about seeing me for however much longer I have.

I guess she does not see that I am sacrificing everything including my ability to feel my feet and hands, being able to walk more then 20 feet and getting very sick from chemo every 3-4 weeks for her and Gavin. All she cares about is her phone that she got from someone in the ward for Christmas. I guess there is something wrong with me because no one in my family seems to care about seeing or talking to me at all. I guess this will be the last time most of them see me alive when they are here this next week for the weddings. At least they will get a chance before my funeral. I will talk to Dr. Breyer on Monday about how long she thinks I will have if I stop chemo, and if I keep going with chemo. That way I can make an informed decision about how long I can spend quality time with Gavin before I am sick and weak and I die. I also need to find out how long I have to finish Kyana's blanket and both of the baby blankets I am making for there future children. At least I have finished Gavin's blanket YAY!!

Off to clean the house some more before Alisa gets here on Saturday and Kristina gets here on Wednesday for the weddings since they are staying with me. I am excited about them staying with me but it is stressful getting the house extra clean an shiny for them and for spring!! Its good motivation to get it all done!!

My life!!

Nothing new here, almost no one calls, texts, emails me ever. Even Kristina stopped calling me on her way to work. Lee only see's me when I go to my parents house to visit and then he decides to care by telling me how everything I eat and drink are bad for me and I should do better. Amy has been busy with her new house, Kaleb's wedding and patriot camp so I understand why she is not calling me as much lately. Alisa sent me a juicer and a cute book so she gets a pass right now, but most of the time my calls are ignored. Karla does not answer my once a month calls to her most of the time. Erik will always have a pass because he is taking my kids when I die, and he flew here last year just to see me and hang out. My dad stopped calling me and my mom only called me 1 time this week and not at all last week. I stopped calling everyone because I am sick of them not answering there phones and never taking anytime to call me. I understand why no one answers there phone because all I do is talk forever about stupid crap!

I am so depressed lately its driving me crazy. I cry at everything, and my feet hurt so bad today!! I have been puking most of what I eat. I am sick of chemo and just wish I could be done with it now. If I wouldn't die from stopping I would but I would die so I cant!! IT SUCKS!!!!!

Julie is being a good friend by picking me up and letting me hang out at her house while I talk and talk and talk!!! She is way to patient!! I don't know what I would do without her. She is willing to take me to chemo whenever I need it and so will Amy.

I understand why people don't want to sit there because its boring!! I just wish I was done so feeling abandoned was not another thing I felt sad about.

I guess I cant be to mad since Erik, Amy and Karla are still paying bills for me every month. I am sooooo grateful for it because I could not do it on my own and they don't have to help.

Oh well, life goes on.

Chemo week!

So Mom took me to get chemo on Monday.. very long day with bad drugs to make me sick.. my doctor told me how proud she is of me because how harsh my chemo treatments have been and I have powered through them. I informed her that if it was not for my kids I would have given up last year. My doctor also told me that when younger people get diagnosed with my cancer that they usually don't last very long. She said one of her last patients only lasted a little over 1 year from when he was first diagnosed! She said that when she talks to my surgeon about me he is surprised that I am still going strong.

I asked about getting a 2nd opinion because it seems like we are running out of options. She said yes we are running out of options and she is more then happy for me to get a 2nd opinion but most of the time the doctors will give me false hope about options without looking at all the issues that pertains to my WBC or RBC so to take all information with a grain of salt. It was nice that my doctor said she is proud of me and that she see's how strong I am.

My Mom told me that she had to work at the Temple on Tuesday so when she picked me up for chemo and then just dropped me off and left because she could not wait. So at the end of my appointment while the nurses were disconnecting me from chemo and I was waiting for Amy to come get me Dad called me and asked why Mom had to drive 1 hour round trip to take me when a neighbor or ward member or my sister could just take me and pick me up because they are so much closer. in addition since the ward members already bring us dinner this week which is hard why cant they take me to chemo.

He is right it is quicker for a neighbor or someone in PG to take me but I would hope that my mother would want to spend time with her sick child 2 times every 3-4 weeks during chemo but I guess not. The huge argument in December about me being hurt because my mother had not spent anytime with me since August and me crying and her saying how sorry she was because she didn't know how I felt about it didn't actually make a difference because she got out of taking me again. Every time I told her about my appointments she complained because she would have to miss walking with her friend in the morning on those days. She said she changed the day she worked at the temple to Wednesday so she could take me to chemo on Monday and Tuesday and the first Tuesday she had it changed and I told her about my appointment she told me she could not take me because she was walking with Sandra and only took me the last 2 times twice. The last 3 times I have been delayed because of my WBC and RBC and she made comments about missing walking with her friend for no reason.

It just breaks my heart that my mother seems like she could give a crap less about me especially when it interrupts he day unless she gets some of the food stamp money I owe her. I'm sure she will complain in a few months that she is not getting her food stamp money because she will not be around me except on Sundays when we go to there house or to Amy's house, like she did in December.

I guess I am just mad and hurt because it took less then 4 months to get out of taking me to chemo again and she didn't even do it herself she got my dad to do it.

I was talking to my dad about when I get sick enough that I was thinking about talking to Erik about living with them the last few months so it would be an easier transition to living wit them and he acted like I was crazy for even brining it up because my kids will be fine when I die and trying to do anything to help them in anyway was just crazy. I also said that at some point I will most likely not be able to take care of myself or my kids and I will have to move somewhere and he again acted like I was crazy for even brining it up because there is no reason that I wont be able to take care of myself. So I guess that I will talk to Erik and Rebekah about it when time gets closer to see what they think about it.

Next week I will turn in the letters to the judge and hopefully he will take Mike's parental rights away and there will not be anymore problems with all of that!! I prey that all of it will work out so Erik can get custody of my kids because no amount of preying will keep me alive for 9 more years!

Well off to bed because I feel so sick I cant function anymore!!

Good week!!

Last week my chemo got postponed so it was another week of shots and blood. But the good news is my Brother Erik and his wife Rebekah came to Utah because my amazing niece Mykell graduated from college. She is an amazing girl who started at BYU in 2010 then went on a mission and then got engaged while finishing college and now graduated!!

Tonight we came over to my parents house and celebrated my brothers birthday tomorrow. We had dinner and then cake it was fun.. now Mykell is learning how to play poker. Our family loves to play poker when we get together. We don't bet real money but we do have poker chips and most of the time use them to bet.

It is so much fun getting together with family!! We love having fun together!!

Tomorrow we will go to church and then hang out at Grandpa's house or Amy's new house. It should be fun!!

Monday is chemo so the sickness will come!! This last week I have been feeling okay but very tired all the time. I am getting more and more bruises and I don't know where they are coming from. I think I have a bladder infection but not sure. Good times dealing with cancer and all the side effects!!

This morning after getting my shot in Provo I decided to stop and get doughnuts at Krispy Kreme... the drive through was closed so I had to go in... when I got in the man in front of me told me to go ahead of him.. and then the man in front of me asked me about what I was fighting.. so I said at this time its bone cancer.. he said God bless me.. I asked him if he knew anyone who was fighting cancer.. he said yes and for the third time.. I said I was so sorry. He ordered his doughnuts and then said he wanted to pay for whatever I was getting.. I was so grateful and said thank you so much and how sweet he is!! I got my dozen glazed and headed home.. I cried on the way home because I was so grateful for all the generosity and love people have showed us. There has been so many times that strangers have said God bless me or how beautiful I am, how cute I am with my bald head, how strong I am, and other positive things. It is so heart warming!!

Long time no post

It has been a while since my last post!! The last chemo I had was amazingly horrible!! I felt like I was dying on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.. luckily on Saturday morning when I woke up to watch the 10am session of the LDS General Conference I finally felt a little better. I had horrible nausea and diarrhea and it is a constant on and off diarrhea episodes!! I don't know what is going on and why but I will ask Dr. B on Monday.

Last week while my parents were driving over to say hi they decided they wanted to make a trip down to Arizona to visit my sister Karla had her little girl Kate the week before. I asked if I could tag along with them and they said yes. I asked my kids if they wanted to go with us and they did not so I asked my friend Julie if they could hang out with her family from Thursday to Tuesday and she said yes because she is the best and nicest friend ever!!

On Wednesday night my mom called and said that at the other townhouse in Orem there was a sprinkler pipe that had broken in the back yard so my dad had to go over in the morning to find it and replace it before we could go so they didn't know if we were going to be able to go at all. By Thursday afternoon they called and asked if I still wanted to go and of course I said YES!! So I dropped my kids off to Julie and went to my parents house so we could put my stuff in my dad's car and we headed out.

Since we didn't leave until 3pm we did not get to my sister Kristina's house until 12am Arizona time. We all went to sleep and when everyone woke up and got ready. I was the first to be ready and everyone else was not going to be ready for a couple of hours I took my dad's car and headed over to my sister Karla's house so I could hold my new niece!!

While I was there I finished the baby blanket I made for her..

I had so much fun hanging out with my sisters Alisa, Karla and Kristina and of course my nieces and nephews!!

We ended up leaving on Monday because my dad got an order and he wanted to be able to ship it on Tuesday!! We said bye to Alisa, Kristina and stopped by Karla's house to say bye to them also!!

It took a while to recover from the long car rides I finally started feeling better yesterday after my CT. Tomorrow is Stake Conference so we will go to that and then hang out with the family.

Monday is chemo again and I am terrified to get it!! I don't want to feel sicker again!! I hate chemo and all that it is doing to me. Yesterday I had a CT to see if the nodules in my lung are getting bigger or if they are gone. I am nervous to find out if I have lung cancer on top of everything else!!

Right now Kaleb and Bryce's weddings are on my 2nd week so if I get delayed again the weddings will land on chemo week and that will SUCK really bad!! I do have another chemo before the weddings so if I get delayed this time and next then it will be great because then they will land on my 3rd week and that would be AMAZING!!

We will see what happens!!

I love LDS General Conference weekend!!

So this week has been very hard to say the least! Starting Wednesday night I was feeling so horrible I thought there was something extra wrong! I mean how could I feel that bad and still be alive?? I slept a lot on Thursday which was the tender mercy that I received! Its nice to be able to sleep when you feel that bad. I ate some food on Thursday and on Friday I threw it up and it was the same food that I ate the night before it was just stuck in my throat. So the rest of the day I was coughing up thick yellow snot globs YUCK!! I also scratched myself and when I check the sore it was infected. I cleaned the sore and called the doctor to see if maybe I needed antibiotics. She said no, she didn't want to give me anything yet and to just watch it. So if I get more symptoms like fever, or my chest gets hot then I should call and she will prescribe me antibiotics. So far I am good, and getting better.

Last night Gavin started crying and talking about he does not want me to die because he will miss me to much. I tried to comfort him as much as possible. It breaks my heart watching him have to deal with all of this. I know he is getting older and starting to understand what is going on and what it means but it is horrible having to comfort him because we both know I will die of this. Last week my doctor told me that I have nodules in my lung but because of the bone cancer and how aggressive my cancer is that she will not biopsy or do surgery to remove it because I am not strong enough it and she can not take me off chemo to let me get stronger. I know that I will either die from cancer or from my liver and kidneys giving out. I know that I will not live to see my kids grow up and have kids of there own. I know I will not live to see them go to the temple, get married, go on missions, or anything like that! It is so sad knowing they will not see me there supporting them with all of it. I am so glad my brother Erik and his wife Rebekah will be amazing parents to them and raise them in the church, support them, help them but I want to be there in person and I hate it!! I know I will be back with my kids one day and everything will end up the way its supposed to be but that does not mean that I am not sad about it. I hope that because of this amazing trial we are all going through that the rest of there trials will be lessened and they will be successful!! I am so happy to know that my kids are strong and love the church like I do and will keep being the best that they can so we can be together again!

Sorry I got all heavy and depressing and I will stop now! The first picture is of Kyana after coming back from the Festival of Colors. The 2nd is of me finally feeling better after the last 3 days of thinking I was dying!!

I guess the pictures don't want to be seen because they will not upload! Oh well maybe next time!