The good and the bad!!

So last Monday when I went to my chemo appointment I asked my doctor how long does she think I have to live... She said that if there is no complications like liver cancer, pneumonia, blood clots in my lungs, lung cancer or anything else she thinks I will live around 2 more years.. =( I am hopeful that I will live more then that but I hope to make as much time on this earth the best it can be!!! Sorry for the bad news!!

On a better note my nephew got married today!!! I got to see my first sealing!!! On Saturday another nephew will get married!!! I am so excited for them all!!

Keeps on going!

My depression keeps on going.. yesterday Kyana lectured me because I got some veggies, fruit and meat from the Bishops Storehouse.. she said we didn't need it so I shouldn't have gotten it. We didn't have fruit or veggies or meat so I have no idea why she even said that. Then she called me a brat because I told her not to lecture me and that we didn't have the items I requested. Then today she called me whiney because I told her what her chore was. I finally got mad at her after 10 minutes of her lecturing me and calling me names. I ended with telling her she lost her phone privileges and to either give me her phone or my charger and so she told me how mean I was and that she didn't want to live with me anymore cause I am always mean and never do anything nice. She said that Erik is not mean and my friend Julie is not mean so she would be happy to live with one of them instead of me.

I already told her during our fight last Friday that I would not force her to live with me or help me because I don't want people around me that don't want to be there or help in any way. So I will talk to Erik and Rebekah next week while they are here for Bryce's wedding. I guess she does not care about seeing me for however much longer I have.

I guess she does not see that I am sacrificing everything including my ability to feel my feet and hands, being able to walk more then 20 feet and getting very sick from chemo every 3-4 weeks for her and Gavin. All she cares about is her phone that she got from someone in the ward for Christmas. I guess there is something wrong with me because no one in my family seems to care about seeing or talking to me at all. I guess this will be the last time most of them see me alive when they are here this next week for the weddings. At least they will get a chance before my funeral. I will talk to Dr. Breyer on Monday about how long she thinks I will have if I stop chemo, and if I keep going with chemo. That way I can make an informed decision about how long I can spend quality time with Gavin before I am sick and weak and I die. I also need to find out how long I have to finish Kyana's blanket and both of the baby blankets I am making for there future children. At least I have finished Gavin's blanket YAY!!

Off to clean the house some more before Alisa gets here on Saturday and Kristina gets here on Wednesday for the weddings since they are staying with me. I am excited about them staying with me but it is stressful getting the house extra clean an shiny for them and for spring!! Its good motivation to get it all done!!

My life!!

Nothing new here, almost no one calls, texts, emails me ever. Even Kristina stopped calling me on her way to work. Lee only see's me when I go to my parents house to visit and then he decides to care by telling me how everything I eat and drink are bad for me and I should do better. Amy has been busy with her new house, Kaleb's wedding and patriot camp so I understand why she is not calling me as much lately. Alisa sent me a juicer and a cute book so she gets a pass right now, but most of the time my calls are ignored. Karla does not answer my once a month calls to her most of the time. Erik will always have a pass because he is taking my kids when I die, and he flew here last year just to see me and hang out. My dad stopped calling me and my mom only called me 1 time this week and not at all last week. I stopped calling everyone because I am sick of them not answering there phones and never taking anytime to call me. I understand why no one answers there phone because all I do is talk forever about stupid crap!

I am so depressed lately its driving me crazy. I cry at everything, and my feet hurt so bad today!! I have been puking most of what I eat. I am sick of chemo and just wish I could be done with it now. If I wouldn't die from stopping I would but I would die so I cant!! IT SUCKS!!!!!

Julie is being a good friend by picking me up and letting me hang out at her house while I talk and talk and talk!!! She is way to patient!! I don't know what I would do without her. She is willing to take me to chemo whenever I need it and so will Amy.

I understand why people don't want to sit there because its boring!! I just wish I was done so feeling abandoned was not another thing I felt sad about.

I guess I cant be to mad since Erik, Amy and Karla are still paying bills for me every month. I am sooooo grateful for it because I could not do it on my own and they don't have to help.

Oh well, life goes on.