So this week has been very hard to say the least! Starting Wednesday night I was feeling so horrible I thought there was something extra wrong! I mean how could I feel that bad and still be alive?? I slept a lot on Thursday which was the tender mercy that I received! Its nice to be able to sleep when you feel that bad. I ate some food on Thursday and on Friday I threw it up and it was the same food that I ate the night before it was just stuck in my throat. So the rest of the day I was coughing up thick yellow snot globs YUCK!! I also scratched myself and when I check the sore it was infected. I cleaned the sore and called the doctor to see if maybe I needed antibiotics. She said no, she didn't want to give me anything yet and to just watch it. So if I get more symptoms like fever, or my chest gets hot then I should call and she will prescribe me antibiotics. So far I am good, and getting better.
Last night Gavin started crying and talking about he does not want me to die because he will miss me to much. I tried to comfort him as much as possible. It breaks my heart watching him have to deal with all of this. I know he is getting older and starting to understand what is going on and what it means but it is horrible having to comfort him because we both know I will die of this. Last week my doctor told me that I have nodules in my lung but because of the bone cancer and how aggressive my cancer is that she will not biopsy or do surgery to remove it because I am not strong enough it and she can not take me off chemo to let me get stronger. I know that I will either die from cancer or from my liver and kidneys giving out. I know that I will not live to see my kids grow up and have kids of there own. I know I will not live to see them go to the temple, get married, go on missions, or anything like that! It is so sad knowing they will not see me there supporting them with all of it. I am so glad my brother Erik and his wife Rebekah will be amazing parents to them and raise them in the church, support them, help them but I want to be there in person and I hate it!! I know I will be back with my kids one day and everything will end up the way its supposed to be but that does not mean that I am not sad about it. I hope that because of this amazing trial we are all going through that the rest of there trials will be lessened and they will be successful!! I am so happy to know that my kids are strong and love the church like I do and will keep being the best that they can so we can be together again!
Sorry I got all heavy and depressing and I will stop now! The first picture is of Kyana after coming back from the Festival of Colors. The 2nd is of me finally feeling better after the last 3 days of thinking I was dying!!
I guess the pictures don't want to be seen because they will not upload! Oh well maybe next time!
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