Bad day!!

So today while watching T.V. I saw a commercial about something to do with cancer and I started crying! I have been on chemo since April 15, 2015 and started originally on July 1, 2013... I am so sick of hearing about other kinds of cancer (which I call the "Cool" cancers)... I know they are bad and a lot of people die of it (including my Aunt last month) but my cancer matters also and just because it isn't one of the "Cool" cancers doesn't mean that it doesn't suck just as bad!!

In the last 2 months I found out I went from 4 tumors to 6 for sure and maybe 7. At night when my kids are in bed it is my bad time because it all hits me and I no longer have to hide that I am sad (so I wont upset my son). I am sooooo sick of chemo, doctors, tests, carrying a chemo pack around, feeling sick, being tired, not being able to clean my house or cook good food, bake treats, being in pain, loosing my hair. Some of my current side effects are neuropathy, mouth sores, nausea, fuzzy eyes, dry and peeling skin, hair loss, constipation, watery eyes,and more I also have increasing pain from all of my bone METS.

I currently have 6 bone METS, 2 on my left hip, 1 on my right hip, 1 on my lower spine, 1 on my upper spine and 1 on my skull. The METS on my hips and spine are getting more and more painful some days are bad and others no so much. They can not radiate my METS because it will kill off my bone marrow and I am not a candidate for a bone marrow transplant. So unless these treatments start working they will just get more and more painful and there is nothing I can do about it besides medication!!

People keep telling me how brave, strong, a champ, and other positive words but if they saw me at night or during some of my trials I don't think they would still believe that!! So I feel like a fraud every time I am told that!!

This life SUCKS so much and all I want is to raise my kids myself. I don't want to have to worry if I die will they remember the good stuff or only the bad, will my x-husband try and take Gavin from my brother, will they be okay without me, how much more of this can they handle, will or does Kyana hate me because she has to take on more responsibility, will my brother's family love my kids as much as I do, will they treat them like there own (I know they will do there best, but its not me), will Gavin remember me, when I die will they be okay, will my family be able to pay to burry me... and more!!

I guess this is a bad day and I needed to let it all out!!