The good and the bad!!

So last Monday when I went to my chemo appointment I asked my doctor how long does she think I have to live... She said that if there is no complications like liver cancer, pneumonia, blood clots in my lungs, lung cancer or anything else she thinks I will live around 2 more years.. =( I am hopeful that I will live more then that but I hope to make as much time on this earth the best it can be!!! Sorry for the bad news!!

On a better note my nephew got married today!!! I got to see my first sealing!!! On Saturday another nephew will get married!!! I am so excited for them all!!

Keeps on going!

My depression keeps on going.. yesterday Kyana lectured me because I got some veggies, fruit and meat from the Bishops Storehouse.. she said we didn't need it so I shouldn't have gotten it. We didn't have fruit or veggies or meat so I have no idea why she even said that. Then she called me a brat because I told her not to lecture me and that we didn't have the items I requested. Then today she called me whiney because I told her what her chore was. I finally got mad at her after 10 minutes of her lecturing me and calling me names. I ended with telling her she lost her phone privileges and to either give me her phone or my charger and so she told me how mean I was and that she didn't want to live with me anymore cause I am always mean and never do anything nice. She said that Erik is not mean and my friend Julie is not mean so she would be happy to live with one of them instead of me.

I already told her during our fight last Friday that I would not force her to live with me or help me because I don't want people around me that don't want to be there or help in any way. So I will talk to Erik and Rebekah next week while they are here for Bryce's wedding. I guess she does not care about seeing me for however much longer I have.

I guess she does not see that I am sacrificing everything including my ability to feel my feet and hands, being able to walk more then 20 feet and getting very sick from chemo every 3-4 weeks for her and Gavin. All she cares about is her phone that she got from someone in the ward for Christmas. I guess there is something wrong with me because no one in my family seems to care about seeing or talking to me at all. I guess this will be the last time most of them see me alive when they are here this next week for the weddings. At least they will get a chance before my funeral. I will talk to Dr. Breyer on Monday about how long she thinks I will have if I stop chemo, and if I keep going with chemo. That way I can make an informed decision about how long I can spend quality time with Gavin before I am sick and weak and I die. I also need to find out how long I have to finish Kyana's blanket and both of the baby blankets I am making for there future children. At least I have finished Gavin's blanket YAY!!

Off to clean the house some more before Alisa gets here on Saturday and Kristina gets here on Wednesday for the weddings since they are staying with me. I am excited about them staying with me but it is stressful getting the house extra clean an shiny for them and for spring!! Its good motivation to get it all done!!

My life!!

Nothing new here, almost no one calls, texts, emails me ever. Even Kristina stopped calling me on her way to work. Lee only see's me when I go to my parents house to visit and then he decides to care by telling me how everything I eat and drink are bad for me and I should do better. Amy has been busy with her new house, Kaleb's wedding and patriot camp so I understand why she is not calling me as much lately. Alisa sent me a juicer and a cute book so she gets a pass right now, but most of the time my calls are ignored. Karla does not answer my once a month calls to her most of the time. Erik will always have a pass because he is taking my kids when I die, and he flew here last year just to see me and hang out. My dad stopped calling me and my mom only called me 1 time this week and not at all last week. I stopped calling everyone because I am sick of them not answering there phones and never taking anytime to call me. I understand why no one answers there phone because all I do is talk forever about stupid crap!

I am so depressed lately its driving me crazy. I cry at everything, and my feet hurt so bad today!! I have been puking most of what I eat. I am sick of chemo and just wish I could be done with it now. If I wouldn't die from stopping I would but I would die so I cant!! IT SUCKS!!!!!

Julie is being a good friend by picking me up and letting me hang out at her house while I talk and talk and talk!!! She is way to patient!! I don't know what I would do without her. She is willing to take me to chemo whenever I need it and so will Amy.

I understand why people don't want to sit there because its boring!! I just wish I was done so feeling abandoned was not another thing I felt sad about.

I guess I cant be to mad since Erik, Amy and Karla are still paying bills for me every month. I am sooooo grateful for it because I could not do it on my own and they don't have to help.

Oh well, life goes on.

Chemo week!

So Mom took me to get chemo on Monday.. very long day with bad drugs to make me sick.. my doctor told me how proud she is of me because how harsh my chemo treatments have been and I have powered through them. I informed her that if it was not for my kids I would have given up last year. My doctor also told me that when younger people get diagnosed with my cancer that they usually don't last very long. She said one of her last patients only lasted a little over 1 year from when he was first diagnosed! She said that when she talks to my surgeon about me he is surprised that I am still going strong.

I asked about getting a 2nd opinion because it seems like we are running out of options. She said yes we are running out of options and she is more then happy for me to get a 2nd opinion but most of the time the doctors will give me false hope about options without looking at all the issues that pertains to my WBC or RBC so to take all information with a grain of salt. It was nice that my doctor said she is proud of me and that she see's how strong I am.

My Mom told me that she had to work at the Temple on Tuesday so when she picked me up for chemo and then just dropped me off and left because she could not wait. So at the end of my appointment while the nurses were disconnecting me from chemo and I was waiting for Amy to come get me Dad called me and asked why Mom had to drive 1 hour round trip to take me when a neighbor or ward member or my sister could just take me and pick me up because they are so much closer. in addition since the ward members already bring us dinner this week which is hard why cant they take me to chemo.

He is right it is quicker for a neighbor or someone in PG to take me but I would hope that my mother would want to spend time with her sick child 2 times every 3-4 weeks during chemo but I guess not. The huge argument in December about me being hurt because my mother had not spent anytime with me since August and me crying and her saying how sorry she was because she didn't know how I felt about it didn't actually make a difference because she got out of taking me again. Every time I told her about my appointments she complained because she would have to miss walking with her friend in the morning on those days. She said she changed the day she worked at the temple to Wednesday so she could take me to chemo on Monday and Tuesday and the first Tuesday she had it changed and I told her about my appointment she told me she could not take me because she was walking with Sandra and only took me the last 2 times twice. The last 3 times I have been delayed because of my WBC and RBC and she made comments about missing walking with her friend for no reason.

It just breaks my heart that my mother seems like she could give a crap less about me especially when it interrupts he day unless she gets some of the food stamp money I owe her. I'm sure she will complain in a few months that she is not getting her food stamp money because she will not be around me except on Sundays when we go to there house or to Amy's house, like she did in December.

I guess I am just mad and hurt because it took less then 4 months to get out of taking me to chemo again and she didn't even do it herself she got my dad to do it.

I was talking to my dad about when I get sick enough that I was thinking about talking to Erik about living with them the last few months so it would be an easier transition to living wit them and he acted like I was crazy for even brining it up because my kids will be fine when I die and trying to do anything to help them in anyway was just crazy. I also said that at some point I will most likely not be able to take care of myself or my kids and I will have to move somewhere and he again acted like I was crazy for even brining it up because there is no reason that I wont be able to take care of myself. So I guess that I will talk to Erik and Rebekah about it when time gets closer to see what they think about it.

Next week I will turn in the letters to the judge and hopefully he will take Mike's parental rights away and there will not be anymore problems with all of that!! I prey that all of it will work out so Erik can get custody of my kids because no amount of preying will keep me alive for 9 more years!

Well off to bed because I feel so sick I cant function anymore!!

Good week!!

Last week my chemo got postponed so it was another week of shots and blood. But the good news is my Brother Erik and his wife Rebekah came to Utah because my amazing niece Mykell graduated from college. She is an amazing girl who started at BYU in 2010 then went on a mission and then got engaged while finishing college and now graduated!!

Tonight we came over to my parents house and celebrated my brothers birthday tomorrow. We had dinner and then cake it was fun.. now Mykell is learning how to play poker. Our family loves to play poker when we get together. We don't bet real money but we do have poker chips and most of the time use them to bet.

It is so much fun getting together with family!! We love having fun together!!

Tomorrow we will go to church and then hang out at Grandpa's house or Amy's new house. It should be fun!!

Monday is chemo so the sickness will come!! This last week I have been feeling okay but very tired all the time. I am getting more and more bruises and I don't know where they are coming from. I think I have a bladder infection but not sure. Good times dealing with cancer and all the side effects!!

This morning after getting my shot in Provo I decided to stop and get doughnuts at Krispy Kreme... the drive through was closed so I had to go in... when I got in the man in front of me told me to go ahead of him.. and then the man in front of me asked me about what I was fighting.. so I said at this time its bone cancer.. he said God bless me.. I asked him if he knew anyone who was fighting cancer.. he said yes and for the third time.. I said I was so sorry. He ordered his doughnuts and then said he wanted to pay for whatever I was getting.. I was so grateful and said thank you so much and how sweet he is!! I got my dozen glazed and headed home.. I cried on the way home because I was so grateful for all the generosity and love people have showed us. There has been so many times that strangers have said God bless me or how beautiful I am, how cute I am with my bald head, how strong I am, and other positive things. It is so heart warming!!

Long time no post

It has been a while since my last post!! The last chemo I had was amazingly horrible!! I felt like I was dying on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.. luckily on Saturday morning when I woke up to watch the 10am session of the LDS General Conference I finally felt a little better. I had horrible nausea and diarrhea and it is a constant on and off diarrhea episodes!! I don't know what is going on and why but I will ask Dr. B on Monday.

Last week while my parents were driving over to say hi they decided they wanted to make a trip down to Arizona to visit my sister Karla had her little girl Kate the week before. I asked if I could tag along with them and they said yes. I asked my kids if they wanted to go with us and they did not so I asked my friend Julie if they could hang out with her family from Thursday to Tuesday and she said yes because she is the best and nicest friend ever!!

On Wednesday night my mom called and said that at the other townhouse in Orem there was a sprinkler pipe that had broken in the back yard so my dad had to go over in the morning to find it and replace it before we could go so they didn't know if we were going to be able to go at all. By Thursday afternoon they called and asked if I still wanted to go and of course I said YES!! So I dropped my kids off to Julie and went to my parents house so we could put my stuff in my dad's car and we headed out.

Since we didn't leave until 3pm we did not get to my sister Kristina's house until 12am Arizona time. We all went to sleep and when everyone woke up and got ready. I was the first to be ready and everyone else was not going to be ready for a couple of hours I took my dad's car and headed over to my sister Karla's house so I could hold my new niece!!

While I was there I finished the baby blanket I made for her..

I had so much fun hanging out with my sisters Alisa, Karla and Kristina and of course my nieces and nephews!!

We ended up leaving on Monday because my dad got an order and he wanted to be able to ship it on Tuesday!! We said bye to Alisa, Kristina and stopped by Karla's house to say bye to them also!!

It took a while to recover from the long car rides I finally started feeling better yesterday after my CT. Tomorrow is Stake Conference so we will go to that and then hang out with the family.

Monday is chemo again and I am terrified to get it!! I don't want to feel sicker again!! I hate chemo and all that it is doing to me. Yesterday I had a CT to see if the nodules in my lung are getting bigger or if they are gone. I am nervous to find out if I have lung cancer on top of everything else!!

Right now Kaleb and Bryce's weddings are on my 2nd week so if I get delayed again the weddings will land on chemo week and that will SUCK really bad!! I do have another chemo before the weddings so if I get delayed this time and next then it will be great because then they will land on my 3rd week and that would be AMAZING!!

We will see what happens!!

I love LDS General Conference weekend!!

So this week has been very hard to say the least! Starting Wednesday night I was feeling so horrible I thought there was something extra wrong! I mean how could I feel that bad and still be alive?? I slept a lot on Thursday which was the tender mercy that I received! Its nice to be able to sleep when you feel that bad. I ate some food on Thursday and on Friday I threw it up and it was the same food that I ate the night before it was just stuck in my throat. So the rest of the day I was coughing up thick yellow snot globs YUCK!! I also scratched myself and when I check the sore it was infected. I cleaned the sore and called the doctor to see if maybe I needed antibiotics. She said no, she didn't want to give me anything yet and to just watch it. So if I get more symptoms like fever, or my chest gets hot then I should call and she will prescribe me antibiotics. So far I am good, and getting better.

Last night Gavin started crying and talking about he does not want me to die because he will miss me to much. I tried to comfort him as much as possible. It breaks my heart watching him have to deal with all of this. I know he is getting older and starting to understand what is going on and what it means but it is horrible having to comfort him because we both know I will die of this. Last week my doctor told me that I have nodules in my lung but because of the bone cancer and how aggressive my cancer is that she will not biopsy or do surgery to remove it because I am not strong enough it and she can not take me off chemo to let me get stronger. I know that I will either die from cancer or from my liver and kidneys giving out. I know that I will not live to see my kids grow up and have kids of there own. I know I will not live to see them go to the temple, get married, go on missions, or anything like that! It is so sad knowing they will not see me there supporting them with all of it. I am so glad my brother Erik and his wife Rebekah will be amazing parents to them and raise them in the church, support them, help them but I want to be there in person and I hate it!! I know I will be back with my kids one day and everything will end up the way its supposed to be but that does not mean that I am not sad about it. I hope that because of this amazing trial we are all going through that the rest of there trials will be lessened and they will be successful!! I am so happy to know that my kids are strong and love the church like I do and will keep being the best that they can so we can be together again!

Sorry I got all heavy and depressing and I will stop now! The first picture is of Kyana after coming back from the Festival of Colors. The 2nd is of me finally feeling better after the last 3 days of thinking I was dying!!

I guess the pictures don't want to be seen because they will not upload! Oh well maybe next time!

I feel so horrible!!

I got the first half of chemo on Monday and the second on Tuesday. My mom took me to both and Kyana joined us on Monday since she stayed home from school to do homework...(I told her that was the last time she could do that since she didn't do much homework at all that day, and she needs to learn to do her homework after school instead of play on her phone). Today Julie is taking me to get my pack off and 2 liters of water. The worst days for me are Wednesday and Thursday.

I am glad that this weekend is LDS General Conference so I don't actually have to miss church since LDS General Conference is done on T.V. Normally on conference weekend I am excited because I bake all weekend (sweet rolls, bread, scones, waffles and anything else I can think of, and make soup of some kind) But this time I will be to sick and weak to do it and I am sad!! ON Sunday after conference we will be having a big dinner with both my Uncles and there families at my parents house. I am so excited to see and visit everyone at once!

I am currently trying to get the blankets that I am making my kids done but put them on pause this week so I can finish the one for my sister Karla's new baby girl she is having this week. I believe she is being induced today so YAY I will have a brand new baby niece and I am EXCITED!!! She has not told us her name yet so I am excited to find out and see lots of pictures since she lives in Arizona I wont get to hold her until my sister comes up to Utah for 2 of my nephews weddings in May.

Well I am now going back to bed since I feel like I am dying and do not have the strength or the brain power to continue!! The picture below is of the kids on Easter Sunday and also of Gavin all dressed up for church in his new purple Easter shirt. So cute!!

Week of FUN!!

This week I got blood on Tuesday and shots to boost my immune system Monday-Sunday. The Blood helps me feel better but the shots make my legs hurt and all the Mets on my hips and spine hurt extra bad!! I keep going to bed in pain and waking up in pain. Today I went to Mom and Dad's house to visit for a little while then stopped at the store on the way home to pick up some needed food items. We are planning on dye eggs tomorrow somewhere....

Tomorrow night is Women's General Conference at 6pm on T.V. I am so excite to watch it and then General Conference is next Saturday and Sunday!!! Can I just express how much I love General Conference!! We get to snuggle at home with snacks and listen to spiritual inspiration talks from our AMAZING church leaders!! I LOVE IT!! I will be sick during it but that's okay because it just means I will snuggle on the couch more!!

On Monday I will get chemo again and which I am not looking forward to at all!! Pretty much the cancer that I have in my bones is bad and not getting better. If I end up having lung cancer they cant do surgery to remove it or even biopsy because there is to much of a risk of infection and they cant stop chemo to do anything like surgery because I will be over run with tumors if they do. Eventually they will run out of chemo options or the chemo will be to hard on me to continue or the chemo will eventually shut my liver and/or kidneys down because of the toxins. So no matter what they do I will end up dying of cancer in someway!

Right now I am still in the process of writing a letter to the judge to try and explain why Gavin's father (we will just call him M) should not have custody of him when I die. I am trying to give custody to Erik and Rebekah since the were amazing and offered to take my children if I died. Kristina also offered to take my children but I cant give her more stress then she already has being a single mother working at night as a nurse!! I requested that Rebekah and Erik write a letter to the judge explaining there ability to financially, physically and spiritually take care of my children for me when I die and how the request is expedited due to the status of my cancer. Hopefully the judge will understand and grant my request. M wont even have a chance to get out of prison for another 2 years at the earliest.

Postponed again!!

Yesterday my Mom picked me up so we could go to the clinic and get my test results and chemo. The results came back and I was told I have 2 tiny nodules on my lung one is 3mm and the other 4mm. The doctor does not know if maybe something fell off in my lung and I just have not coughed it up or if they are 2 new tumors so she will rescan me in a few weeks to see if there is any change. My blood work came back showing that my immune system is very low and so is my red blood count so chemo is postponed to next Monday and I get shots every day for 7 days and a blood transfusion today. FUN TIMES!!! NOT

After my appointment with Dr. Breyer I went to get my last round of radiation and talk to Dr. Clark. He asked about my pain and whished me luck with chemo and to come over to his side and say Hi anytime. I am so glad I am done with radiation!!

My appointment with the cardiologist was not for another 2 hours so my Mom took me to Costco so I could get some potato salad and sausages for the BBQ dinner we were going to have that night. We still had an hour before we had to be at the cardiologist so my Mom and I went to the dollar store. I ended up spending way more then I had anticipated because I got Easter stuff while I was there so it ended up being very helpful!!

We went to the cardiologist and was told that my insurance requires a 2 week pre-authorization before I could be seen and they had not sent it in when the appointment was made so the soonest they could see me was May 6. ANNOYING!!

My Mom took me to her house so I could pick up my car from my Uncle and Aunt. I drove home and took a nap while the kids did there chores and homework. We left the house again around 5:30 so we could to my parents house for the BBQ with my Aunt and Uncle and Amy and her family. It was fun to sit around and talk, eat and watch Gavin and Shaun roll down the hill in a big cardboard box.

We ended getting home around 8:30 so I sent Gavin up to take a shower and then both the kids went to bed. My hip hurt to much last night so I ended up taking some pain pills and sleeping on the couch. BOOOOO!!

Today I will go get my shot in a couple of hours and then go to the hospital for the transfusion. The transfusion is very boring because all I do is sit in a room by myself and watch T.V. and play on the Kindle or Tablet for around 3 hours. Luckily we don't have anything planned for tonight so I can just go home and clean and rest.

This is a picture from last year of the kids and Kyana's friend coloring Easter eggs.. they had so much fun!

Family

LDS Conference is around the corner so my Uncle R and Aunt K from Brazil are here for a few weeks and my other Uncle M (he is part of the seventies) and Aunt L from Brazil will be here sometime this week. We have been visiting with my Uncle R and Aunt K this week. I went up to Salt Lake on the Front Runner and Tracks so we could show them how to do it. Yesterday after the Provo City Center Temple dedication we went over to my parents house to visit. My sister and her family came later. A bunch of the family played poker, it was fun to watch them get excited when they would win.

Today I will be getting results from my CT that I had last week then depending on the results I will either continue with this chemo treatment if there is no additional tumors or if there is anything new or my bone METS are worse then Dr. Breyer will change the chemo I get. If there is new tumors or the METS are bigger or worse then I will talk to my doctor about getting a second opinion here is Utah and also in Arizona with either the Mayo Clinic or MD Anderson.

After chemo I will get my last radiation treatment for my right hip and then head down to Provo for my appointment with a cardiologist doctor to talk about my heart. I am interested in what he will say about my heart and if there is a problem what he wants to do.

Tonight my Dad wants to have a BBQ at the park behind his house so I have to pick up potato salad and some meat to share with everyone. I am letting my Uncle R and Aunt K borrow my car this weeks because I will be to sick and taking to much pain medication to drive so my Mom, Dad and sister Amy will be taking us around.

Off to chemo I go!!

End of another chemo week.

Ahhhh finally the end of another chemo week. This means that I should start feeling better everyday for the most part and get more strength back, be able to eat a little more normal, sleep better, not be in as much pain, be awake more during the day etc...
The temple open house was amazing the new Temple is so beautiful and they incorporated some of the old tabernacle which is soooo nice!!! They showed what was replicated and what is new. Everything in the temple is so beautiful even down to the hinges which are decorated so cute!! I am so excited to visit it after it is dedicated on March 20th. After the going to the temple with Grandpa and Grandma and all of Amy's family except Kaleb and Hillma (they had to work) I went to the clinic to get water and my pump off!! YAY I went home and slept for the rest of the morning until my Kids got home and then I tried to stay awake which didn't work very well. On Thursday my Mom took me to get my shot at 11 and then we were supposed to stay for the appointment with Dr. Clark the radiation man. The hospital didn't send over the pictures of my MRI yet so we were postponed until 2:30 so we had to come back. We waited for Gavin to get home from school and then headed over. He said that at first he figured my pain was from the T3 vertebra that has the MET but from my description of the pain he thinks it is more because of my right hip MET. He gave us all the basic information and risks for radiation including complications with my bowl but is very confident that he should be able to target the MET with minimal scatter radiation. He set up an appointment for Monday for mapping (scan's and tattoo's) and I will start radiation on Tuesday for a total of 10 rounds again. I am not excited for radiation but as long as it helps it should be worth it.

I ended up at the ER Thursday night because of pain. The doctor looked at me like I was just looking for a high which is not my normal reaction any other time, the doctors in the past have been so nice and understanding and helped as needed. This doctor gave me a shot and wrote me a prescription for 8 pills to get me through the night. I guess I just felt judged!

On Friday I went over to Julie's house to hang out and get out of my house for a little while in the day during school hours. It was fun to watch her cute family run around and play. She brought me home and I feel asleep soon after. Gavin was playing with friends and Kyana soon left to go to a sports activity at school. Later that night I got very depressed from feeling so sick and started to cry and had to have a long talk with myself about how it is all worth it and it will all work out in the end. It just gets hard when I have been on chemo straight for almost 1 year and have not had any good news since before that. Sometimes I just can handle it but I usually get over it after a good cry and some sleep.

On Saturday the kids did their chores Gavin again played with friends and Kyana went to another school sports activity and then later went to Julie's house to hang out with her friend Abby. Today the kids went to church then we went to my friend Lisa's house since I have not seen her in months I figured since my parents are out of town we might as well go out and see them. It gets me out of the house and I got to catch up with her and her crazy life. We got home and Gavin asked if we could have a family movie night (he asks for movie night almost every night). We watched Incredibles and the Rio it was fun to just hang out and laugh at movies we have not seen for a long time.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and a wonderful Sunday with the family like I did.

I just figured I would do a blast from the past.. around 1 year ago this is a picture I found on m tablet after my kids got bored!! LOL

Chemo week again!

I got chemo on Monday after being postponed due to low counts (white and red blood cell). My mom took me to my appointment on Monday which was nice to have the support. Like normal on chemo weeks first I speak to Dr. Breyer about how I am feeling, any concerns, test results if tests were done during since the last visit. So she informed me that the MRI on my lower back showed that the vertebrae is fully covered with the met and is very active but on the bright side it has not started to break down yet. She informed me that she will speak to Dr. Clark the radiation doctor in the clinic so see if there is a safe way to radiate my spine without effecting my bone marrow. I should have an appointment with him by the end of the week. I also asked for a handicap thing for my car and she agreed, and asked for more pain medication because my pain is just getting worse all over especially when I get chemo it makes me hurt all over.

I got my blood drawn like normal to see if my body can handle chemo this week. I received my anti nausea meds, a medication that slows down the METs from breaking down my bones, my first chemo bag and after I get hooked up on the 5FU pack that I carry for 46 hours. Today my friend Julie took me to chemo. I went got more anti nausea meds, and then they flush my port really well and give me the other chemo meds that I get. The problem is if the 5FU and the 2nd chemo med interact they are very toxic to my body and can denigrate my vein. I have to stop my pump so they can flush my port multiple times before when giving it to me and then after they give it to me. Since I was still very nauseas they gave me an additional long term anti nausea meds before I left. Thank you Julie for coming with me and showing me support you are the BEST and I am so glad I got the chance of meeting you.

Some of the fun side effects I am enjoying today is my face is very hot and flushed. What is left of my hair is falling out very fast again. My hands and feet are extra dry and peeling. I am hurting all over, including my feet are hot and very painful. I am very tied and worn out. I feel like I have the flu on top of it. I am very lactose intolerant during chemo so I have to be very careful on what I eat when I get hungry and I can only eat a little at a time or it makes me very sick.

Tomorrow morning we are going to go through the Provo City Center Temple open house with family including, Amy and family, Grandpa and Grandma. I am soooo excited to go, and this is the last week of the open house. Luckily I requested a wheelchair so I can make it through the tour without wanting to die. I cant walk far and since I am on chemo it just makes everything that much harder. Then I will go to the clinic and get fluid and my port of!! YAY!! I can take a shower tomorrow without worrying about my port!!.

Low counts

On Monday I went in to chemo and first I talk to Dr, B and told her that my lower back has been hurting more often. I was guessing it is the MET on my lower spine that is causing the added pain. She decided to get an MRI to check it out. After talking to the doctor I went to sit in the main room with around 8 chairs mostly filled up with patients getting treatments. I waited for the nurse to access my port and draw blood for testing. They came back and said my white and red blood counts were to low to get chemo. In addition I would have to get a blood transfusion and nupegin shots every day for 1 week. So after my appointment I headed over to the Timp. hospital so they can type and cross my blood (which means match it to my blood), After waiting almost 45 min I was told to go to the outpatient area and they put me in a room. They kept going back and forth about starting my transfusion that day. Finally they decided just to match my blood and set up the appointment to get the transfusion on Tuesday.

The next I went and got my shot at the clinic and then headed over to the hospital to get the transfusion. I spent 3 hours in a room by myself playing on my tablet. My friend Julie stopped by to talk for a little while. Later about 6 nurses came and sang Happy Birthday to me and gave me a small yummy cake thing! It was so cute! I went home and planned to go out to dinner with the whole family that night. We ended up at Sizzler with me and my kids, grandpa and grandma, Lee and Mandy, Amy and her family. It was so fun to just sit around and talk. At the end of the meal the waiter brought me a huge brownie covered in ice cream, cones, chocolate sauce and whipped cream.

I actually had a break on Wednesday other then getting my shot. On Thursday I went to the Timp. hospital again for the MRI. My back and hips were hurting very badly during the MRI it was horrible. After the MRI I went to the dollar tree store and picked up a few things, and headed over to my friend Julie's house to visit for a while. After I went to Amy's house to visit with her for a bit and ask Vaughn why my tail light is still not working after I have replaced all the light bulbs... no luck! That night I woke up from a nap and was feeling super horrible. I had Kyana help me upstairs to bed and took a shower hoping it would help. I ended up with a fever and at the ER getting antibiotics and pain medication. I went home after and went to bed.

Today I have done nothing this morning. I have to go to the clinic soon to get my last shot for the week. Hopefully this weekend will go good and I can handle the chemo next week!!

Wish me luck!!

Weekend before chemo!!

This is the weekend before I get chemo so as far as me having energy and feeling good.. this is as good as it gets!! I try and get as much stuff done before I am to sick and weak to do anything! I try and stock the fridge and clean stuff the kids miss (the walls, toilets, ect.! Sometimes I can get all of what I wanted to get done and other times I do to much and pay for it (getting sick, and worn out) It just depends on how my body decides to react to what I am doing. I also try and take breaks in between stuff and take naps when I need to. This is the life of this chemo patient!

Today started off slow... Gavin of course tried to stay home again!! LOL!! That man kills me!! I got some cleaning done in the kitchen, downstairs bathroom and front room!! I am so proud of myself!! LOL I did get the chicken salad done. I was trying to get it done on Tuesday but during the day I was busy and at night I felt terrible (probably because I did to much).

I am waiting for my Dad to come get me and take me to get my car. It is finally done!! I am going to try and find 2 curtain rods, one for Gavin's room and one to go in front of the sliding glass door in the kitchen. Hopefully I can find cheap but cute ones at Walmart, I also hope they have a beep beep cart available, so I can take my time looking for what I want. I know I am doing good if I can walk Walmart all by myself! It is not happening yet but hopefully I can one day stop chemo and get all my energy back!!

Since I am going out I put on makeup (yay me)!!

The neuropathy causes my feet to be numb but at the same time very sensitive, it hurts to wear hard shoes so I am suck wearing slippers most of the time and since my feet are also very numb I have to wear socks under my shoes so they stay on better!! I am glad winter is ending so I don't have to worry about the ground being wet (slippers are not good on the wet ground, they leak)!!

I am off to get my car!! Tomorrow I will make maple oat scones, kale and chorizo soup, rice and whatever else I can think might help out next week. Thanks to my AMAZING ward I will get dinners delivered on Monday, Wednesday and Friday next week for my kids so I don't have to worry about it on those days!!! What a blessing my ward and family have been through all of this.

My brother Eric is coming to visit this weekend!! I am excited to see and talk with him! I am glad I should actually feel okay to do it!

In a couple of weeks Me, Kyana and Gavin will hitch a ride with my brother Lee down to Las Vegas to get out of my sick world and hang out with Mandy and Adam!!!

I NEED to get out of here and I am sure my kids do to.. considering we have not gone anywhere for almost 2 years (so sad)!! We didn't get to go to Arizona (our vacation spot with the family) this summer since I started chemo in April so we have been home bound since the summer of 2014!!

Busy Afternoon

Today started with Kyana leaving for school and Gavin complaining about going to school like normal... every time there is a holiday he fights more with me to stay home more days!! I informed him if he stayed home he would lie down in his room and sleep.. I took his temperature and it was normal...he decided to go to school.

About 45 min later he called from the office at school and said his stomach was hurting and he was about to throw-up.. I said okay and went and picked him up... when we got home I took his temperature and it was 101.2.

I called my Mom to see if she wanted to go grocery shopping with me... she said yes. My Dad got on the phone and said he wanted me to drop my car off to get the timing belt replaced. So as soon as Kyana gets home I will leave to drop my car off at the mechanic then my Dad will drop me off with my Mom and go shopping and then she will take me home.... busy afternoon.

Since I was planning on going out in to public I decided to put some makeup on... My brown blotches (side effect of chemo) had gotten bigger on each side of my face and a medium blotch on my forehead.

GRRRRRRR!!! Makeup does not really help but I put it on anyway!!! I am so sick of side effects!! I don't care that my hair is falling out, but my feet hurt, and my toe still hurts from when I dislocated my knee and bruised my toe and hurt my foot, and my brown blotches bug me!!

Sometimes I get very discouraged about all of the cancer stuff, but I know I have to keep doing it because I want to see my kids grow up, go on missions, get married, and have kids!!! I don't want to miss any of it!!

At least I want to live long enough to see Gavin go on his mission and come home. Then both my kids will be adults and be able to function better without me.

I need to take more senakot because I realized I have not pooped (sorry)for about 1 week, but I don't want to cause it makes my gut hurt and bubble!! I know chemo is next week and so is my birthday..booooo so I need to get as normal as I can before I start over with the pain and pain pills...not being able to eat really, milk products making me sick, my throat feeling swollen, getting weaker, and tired!!!

Better day!! LOL

Today is Monday and there is no school.... We woke up late and watched some T.V. while eating poppy seed muffins YUMMY (no I didn't make them) This is the 3rd week in my 3 week chemo treatment.. so this is as good as it gets!! Both of my hips hurt randomly and the pain radiates down my legs to my knees!!

Yesterday I was able to make it through all of church and it was great so YAY!! Kyana got a blanket and Gavin got a stuffed giant caterpillar for Valentines day. We went to Grandma and Grandpa's house after to hang out and give them their Valentines present's. Grandma got a plant and Grandpa some chocolate. We also brought Ant Man to watch. Kaleb and Hilma came with Sasha and Shaun (Amy and Vaughn are in Florida). Everyone had fun for sure!!

Today is boring just chores and grocery shopping. Hopefully we will find something fun to do.

I did shave my head last week because I got sick of eating my hair all the time!!

Next week is chemo week so we will try and live it up this week!!

Bad day!!

So today while watching T.V. I saw a commercial about something to do with cancer and I started crying! I have been on chemo since April 15, 2015 and started originally on July 1, 2013... I am so sick of hearing about other kinds of cancer (which I call the "Cool" cancers)... I know they are bad and a lot of people die of it (including my Aunt last month) but my cancer matters also and just because it isn't one of the "Cool" cancers doesn't mean that it doesn't suck just as bad!!

In the last 2 months I found out I went from 4 tumors to 6 for sure and maybe 7. At night when my kids are in bed it is my bad time because it all hits me and I no longer have to hide that I am sad (so I wont upset my son). I am sooooo sick of chemo, doctors, tests, carrying a chemo pack around, feeling sick, being tired, not being able to clean my house or cook good food, bake treats, being in pain, loosing my hair. Some of my current side effects are neuropathy, mouth sores, nausea, fuzzy eyes, dry and peeling skin, hair loss, constipation, watery eyes,and more I also have increasing pain from all of my bone METS.

I currently have 6 bone METS, 2 on my left hip, 1 on my right hip, 1 on my lower spine, 1 on my upper spine and 1 on my skull. The METS on my hips and spine are getting more and more painful some days are bad and others no so much. They can not radiate my METS because it will kill off my bone marrow and I am not a candidate for a bone marrow transplant. So unless these treatments start working they will just get more and more painful and there is nothing I can do about it besides medication!!

People keep telling me how brave, strong, a champ, and other positive words but if they saw me at night or during some of my trials I don't think they would still believe that!! So I feel like a fraud every time I am told that!!

This life SUCKS so much and all I want is to raise my kids myself. I don't want to have to worry if I die will they remember the good stuff or only the bad, will my x-husband try and take Gavin from my brother, will they be okay without me, how much more of this can they handle, will or does Kyana hate me because she has to take on more responsibility, will my brother's family love my kids as much as I do, will they treat them like there own (I know they will do there best, but its not me), will Gavin remember me, when I die will they be okay, will my family be able to pay to burry me... and more!!

I guess this is a bad day and I needed to let it all out!!